Staying positive

Hi all
Having a bit of an emotional day today, not feeling very positive.
Boys have had a tricky couple of days and after witnessing Joe wailing like a police siren, shaking himself, jumping and legs kicking out not being able to move I have felt very sad. He was unable to make school and I always find that stressful as I feel, selfishly I know, that I can use that time to recharge my batteries and feel more able to cope in the evenings.
Ben Got to school at 10.30 after a pretty terrible morning, mostly extremely loud vocals but with the two of them going at the same time this morning it was soooo stressful.
Then the guilt kicks in, why am I feeling so sorry for myself when its they who have to live with this condition.
I feel guilty because school are pulling out all the stops for the boys and I feel I should be able to manage them better and get them to school.
I feel totally inadequate today to cope and remain positive for them.
I feel guilty constantly.
I started thinking about their teens, what if this, what if that?. I dont normally do this as I know it makes me feel very worried but today I just couldnt stop myself.
Joe told me at bedtime that I never believe him when he tells me things, that I question him all the time. I know I do this and its because over the last 4 years we have been trying to determine how much is the tourettes and how much is the boys normal 12 year old behaviour.
I feel I would have been a completely different mum if the tourettes was not there.
Certainly calmer and less stressed.
Poor Ben then had a horrible tic attack at bedtime which is the regular occurance now, so bedtime is not even calm.
Phew - I just want today to be over, and tomorrow to be a better day.
I know my boys will survive and have a great future firstly because they are lovely caring souls and also because I dont get too many days like today, I try to remain positive and try not to look too far ahead but you know what, some times its very difficult.

I asked Ben today - ' how would you feel if you had a child with TS?' his answer was 'Happy and sad at the same time, Sad because he/she has tics, but happy because I am experienced and would be able to help'.

I just feel they both deserve a break, they really really deserve a break.